Pickles likes to keep an eye on the neighborhood. 

Close up of Pickles chewing on her kitty toy. 

Easter Shellfish

Easter was an experience. We went to Timmy’s parents’ house. When we got there Tim’s dad was listening to one of his internet talk shows, which he turned up to full volume so that we could all "enjoy it." This one was discussing the theory that angels and extraterrestrials are multi-dimensional beings that exist on another plane of existence but sometimes appear in ours. Whatever. At least it wasn’t another conspiracy theory lecture. We got one of those when their satellite dish started to download programming information. He started shouting about how the government is monitoring everything he watches and they put it in a giant database along with his credit card number, and that gets cross-referenced with all the groceries he buys and his telephone calls.

And for dinner - Guess what? No ham! We had shrimp and lobster. It was okay, but whoever heard of shellfish for Easter Dinner? Tim's sullen Sister-In-Law brought her “famous” macaroni and cheese which tastes like cardboard. I don’t like Tim’s mom’s cooking anyway. I’ve learned to eat before going over there and take very small portions of everything then fill up on rolls. Tim’s dad did his usual cutesy-annoying act by constantly offering me foods he knew I didn’t want, then sneaking said foods onto my plate after I've already told him at least 5 times in a row that I don't want any more damned broccoli, just quit it already!...in a polite way of course. Tim's nephew was a pain in the ass all day - hounding everyone unless they were paying attention to him and displaying THE WORST TABLE MANNERS in the universe. I don't know how I got the privilege of sitting next to him, but I can't watch him eat. He's disgusting and no one ever corrects him. After dinner, Tim’s dad started shouting that he wanted someone to go get him a Wendy’s cheeseburger. Then he started shouting at me, “What kind of cheeseburger do you want?! Tim, go to Wendy's and get poor Jen a cheeseburger!!!!” Arggggh. When I say shouting, that's not an exaggeration. I mean he was literally SHOUTING at us.

Tim's nephew relentlessly pestered Tim and The Postman (Tim's brother) into playing poker. He doesn’t know how to play, so he kept betting all his chips on every hand, no matter what it was. Then he would squeal extremely loudly every time he got any cards. That pissed Tim off, so he went to hide in the basement. Leaving me upstairs with his parents and his brother’s family. Great. Lucky for me I jumped on the computer when they were all distracted and spent a blissful 3 hours playing freecell. It gave me eyestrain and a headache, but it was worth it to not have to talk to them all. Until The Nephew got bored hassling the adults and started terrorizing Pickles Puglet. He grabbed her and pinned her to the floor on her back. Then he picked up her and carried her around by her harness. She escaped and hid under the table. Then he started jumping around in her face and shouting like a monkey. OOOOH OOOOOH AHHHHHHH BLEEEEGHHHHH!!! Finally I told him to leave her alone or I would kill him. He thought I was kidding.

We were both exhausted when we got home at 9:30. Between actively ignoring The Nephew, narrowly escaping several arguments with Timmy's dad, listening to The Postman's latest get-rich-quick schemes (the latest one involves raising worms), graciously listening to Timmy's mother's advice about EVERYTHING in the world EVER, and constantly watching Pickles Puglet to make sure she didn't leave them a souvenir under the couch - it was a loooooong day.

Saturday Night's Alright for Ranting

Yesterday at lunch Timmy let me know that his friend from high school and college was coming to town with his girlfriend and they wanted to go to dinner with us. Ack. Now I have to find a shirt that doesn’t make me look fat and do SOMETHING with my hair and PUT ON MAKEUP. Then he’s like, "I’m not sure if they’ll want to come by the house," which means, "why don’t you pick up just in case since you’re already home and all I’m sure you won’t mind will you sweetie?" Yes, in fact, I actually do mind. So there. Just cause I was at home doesn't mean I didn't have a full day. "Well, he’s buying me some beer," I thought. "If I have to sit there and pretend to be interesting to these people he's known for years who I've never even met, I'm going to need some alcohol." For the record, I only had two beers.

Okay, so I was completely prepared to absolutely hate Tim’s friend...let's call him Mr. Gap. He has a wine collection that's all he talks about and he always wears clothes from The Gap (hence the name). Yeah, his scruffy-on-purpose untucked shirt and precisely-maintained stubble were a little trendy... two years ago anyway. But he turned out to be okay. I liked him. I noticed his head sits too low on his shoulders, kind of like one of those bobblehead dolls. And either he was really tired or he just looks stoned all the time. I liked his girlfriend too...we'll call her Ms. Gap. She was cool. She thought I was funny, and anyone who thinks I am funny obviously has an excellent sense of humor.

During dinner Ms. Gap said something like she didn't want to have kids until she was at least 30. Then later Timmy was all, "I guess she didn't know how old you are." HUH? How OLD I am? I am 29 and that is NOT OLD, thank you. And just for the record, I'm not in any hurry to have kids either. If I ever think about having kids, all I have to do is go to Wal-mart on a Saturday and I am cured within 5 minutes.

I hate Wal-mart.

Things I hate about Wal-mart:
1. Screaming kids. Even better are the precocious kids who get into EVERYTHING and the parents who have wandered off without them.
2. People in such a big hurry to shop that they practically run you over with their shopping cart.
3. Surly employees.
4. Those people who manage to block the entire cookie aisle with their carts and bodies, and somehow can't see you straining to look around them, or even hear you when you politely ask them to get their fat asses out of the way so you can reach the Oreos.
5. People standing there (again, blocking something YOU want to look at) having a very loud and VERY personal conversation on their cell phones. I don't mind the occasional "Honey, do I need to pick up some cream cheese since I'm here?" call, but I do NOT want to hear about who Susie saw with Jason at the basketball game last night, and how she can't believe that Shauna would actually wear that shirt in public.
6. Probably those same pushy cart people who almost ran you down before, now they are RIGHT BEHIND you in the check-out line, and they CANNOT WAIT to put their stuff on the belt. They reach over you to snatch the divider, then shove it RIGHT UP against your groceries and nearly knock you over in their haste to unload their cart. I've been hit more than a few times in this scenario.

I'm not even going to get into what goes on in the parking lot.

Happy Easter everybody!

My All-Time Favorite Buffy Episodes

1. I Only Have Eyes For You – Buffy is sad, Angel is evil, Spike is cranky, and Drusilla is a loony.
2. Hush – Genuinely creepy and hysterically funny at the same time.
3. Passion – What is it about Season Two? Oh yeah, Bad Angel and the Evil Leather Pants of Doom.
4. Something Blue – Buffy and Spike, Sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G!
5. Tabula Rasa – I’m still waiting for the Joan the Vampire Slayer show.
6. Once More With Feeling - "And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway? Bunnies! Bunnies!!! It must be BUNNIES!!!!!"

Jim from The Office is my new boyfriend

So sue me. I thought the show was funny. But those jello molds Jim made with the office supplies floating in them have made me wonder. How'd he do it? If he put the stapler in when he first mixed the jello, it would sink to the bottom, right? But the stapler was clearly floating in the middle of the jello. Did he perhaps make half a jello mold, let that set, then insert the stapler and the top layer of jello? That's the only think I can think of. Whatever. It was genius. And when the Annoying Guy (whose name I can't remember) accused Jim of being the one to jello-ify his stapler, Jim was like, "How'd you know it was me?" and he's sitting there EATING JELLO! HA!!! And how cute was Pam? I think we've all felt like Pam at least once in our professional lives. Like we hate our jobs but just don't have the guts to quit, being downsized would be a relief, and our boss is a moron jerkface. Then there was that whole "Who is that guy anyway?" moment I had with Pam's fiancee Roy. A quick glance at IMDB revealed that he was also in the movies Big Fish and The Replacements. So there you go.

Anyway, Happy Good Friday! Some of us still have to work today. That would be me.

What the krunk?

I have a problem and it's name is Spepper. I just saw it on the Food Network. One day this stoner guy was in his kitchen - maybe he had the munchies. Maybe he was bored. Maybe he was tripping and thought he was hosting his own cooking show. Anyway, he was having trouble with the pepper shaker so he grabbed a knife and started hacking away at the tiny holes in the top. Then he decides to take the top off and mix the salt and pepper together! He said to himself, "huh, I'm gonna call this Spepper." And now he manufactures and sells these combination salt and pepper shakers with oversized holes to other stoners around the country. This is so not even a lie.

My problem with this is...why the hell didn't I think of that? I totally could have made Spepper. Now I'm going to have to think of something else. I wonder if anyone would be interested in Mutchup - half ketchup, half mustard... Hmmmmm.

Ha! I took this great picture of Pickles last night. I managed to capture her mid-leap onto the couch. Awesome. 

This is Kitty - the other outside cat. 

This is Shmoopy and her toy Mr. Johnson. 

Here's Krusty sleeping peacefully with her favorite toy, Jessie. 

There's Smokey peeking in the back door. He won't come in the house, even if I stand there with the door wide open and offer him smelly cat food. 

Funniest Movie Conversations Ever IMHO

5. From Mallrats...Cookie Stand vs. Food Court

Brodie: The food court is downstairs, the cookie stand is upstairs, it's not like we're talking quantum physics here.
TS: The cookie stand counts as an eatery, the eatery is part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside of said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.

4. From Clerks...Return of the Jedi Death Star Debate

Randall: The second time around, it wasn't even finished yet. They were still under construction.
Dante: So?
Randall: A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
Dante: Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at.
Randall: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
Dante: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
Randall: All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed - casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. (notices Dante's confusion) All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia-this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

3. From Monty Python and the Holy Grail...King of the Who?

Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well, how did you become king then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

2. From Mallrats...Brodie's Cousin Walter

Brodie: My cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on this plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane starts spinning around, going out of control, so he figures it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad! So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and they land safely and everyone puts their penises or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

1. From Donnie Darko...What's Up With Those Smurfs?

Donnie: First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living if you don't have a dick?

Bad Krusty eating the puppy food. 

Cat Issues

Last night Little Sister called me to tell me about her cats' weight problems. One of them is too fat and another is too skinny. So they are all being put on special diets. This veterinary advice cost her $40. Her other cats are fine but they are also being put on diets just in case. I think in all she has 4 and a half cats. Don't ask me how that works out.

Our family is definitely a cat family. I have two cats, Shmoopy and Krusty. Shmoopy has always been kind of a fatty. She weighs 13 pounds. But I put her on a diet earlier this year and she actually lost a little. Not sure how much she weighs now. It's hard to tell how tubby she is because she has so much hair. Krusty, on the other hand, has short hair. It's easy to see that she is starting to get a little thick around the middle. I think it's because she is eating the puppy food when we're not looking. See, food for kittens and puppies has more fat content than food for adults, so it tastes better and makes Krusty fatter.

I also have two outside cats that I look after. They came with the house. Their names are Smokey and Kitty. They are tame enough to let you pet them but not tame enough to let you pick them up. I have a 2 inch scar on my hand from when I tried to pick Kitty up last year to take her to be fixed. I won't try that again without a cat trap! Last year she had two litters of kittens. One litter I captured when she brought them to the house one day for dinner. I kept them inside for a week to tame them and teach them about the litter box. Then I found homes for them. The other litter met a much more gruesome fate. They were hiding inside my car engine one day when I had to drive to a meeting. I didn't know - they had never come that close to the house before! Anyway, I suspect Kitty is pregnant again! Bad Kitty. I tried to get a cat trap, but there is a waiting list a mile long. It's annoying. I'm trying to do the right thing to stop the feral cat population from getting out of control, but the local SPCA and vets aren't helping me. But that's enough of that rant.

Incredible Baby

Timmy and I watched The Incredibles last night. I liked it. It had some really funny moments. What's up with the baby? They kept saying, "Jak Jak doesn't have any powers," so of course he will have the most outrageous powers. And then he just burst into flames! I was laughing so hard that I was crying! He kind of reminded me of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, you know, when he caught on fire and blew up at the end of Ghostbusters. Heh.

Nascar...I don't get it

Okay, so there are all these cars going around and around in a circle for hours. Sometimes they run into each other. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they change their tires. Why is this so fascinating? As the girlfriend of a Dale, Jr. fan, I've been forced to endure many many hours of Nascar related television. Here is the best thing about Nascar - the commercials. The Nascar drivers have to be some of the most good-natured people in sports. These guys are not afraid to make fun of themselves. On the contrary, they seem to love it. The commercials with Michael Waltrip especially are great! The only other professional sportsman who even comes close to him is Peyton Manning (I ADORE his commercials.) Another thing I've noticed about the Nascar drivers - they really appreciate their sponsors. Again, Michael Waltrip is a great example. Every single time this man is on tv, he makes a point to mention at least 10 of his sponsors. They really get their money's worth out of him.

But I digress. My point is that Nascar is inscrutable to me. And don't say, "You've got to go to a race to understand." I've been to a race. It was boring. And LOUD. And smelly. And did I mention LOUD? And about an hour before the race ended I got a piece of debris (tire?) stuck in my eye and spent the rest of the day with a permanent wink/scowl on my face. So from now on I will stay away from the racetrack, thank you very much. I'll probably still watch the races with my boyfriend, but I will be reading or folding laundry or something while the actual race is on. But I will DEFINITELY watch the commercials.

Pug Wrinkles

I had to take Pickles Puglet to the vet today. Last weekend I noticed that the area under her eyes was kind of red and puffy looking. So I've been cleaning her wrinkles every day and they seemed to get a little better. I went away for 2 days and today when I got back her wrinkles looked swollen and there was a crusty residue. So I took her to the vet and found out she has a bacterial infection. Now she gets antibiotics twice a day, steroids once a day, and some gooey cream smeared under her eyes three times a day. She doesn't mind though. Oh no, that's cuz medicine is an excuse to eat peanut butter! I don't know why, but peanut butter is like doggie crack. If I even whisper "peanut butter" she starts doing circles and jumping around like a lunatic.

Greetings

Wow. I'm in the internet. Ever do an internet search for yourself? That is a sign of true boredom. I didn't find me exactly, but it turns out that I am an attorney in New Jersey. And I didn't even go to law school. Yay me!